Lockman's List: Fall Edition

I love fall. It's full of people waxing annoyingly poetic about Pumpkin Spice Lattes and scarves and boring sports like football and the smell of burning leaves and fewer hours of sun and seasonal depression and shredding in some fresh powder and... Okay, so I'm not the biggest fan of fall.

But despite the SNOW we had on Friday, the lack of sun and the cold in the mornings that makes me sleep through spin class, I've found a lot of things to really like recently. Here they are.

1. Body Pump: Body Pump is this weird thing I do 2-3 times a week where I get in a room at the gym with 15-30 other women and we lift weights really fast to horrible pop music. And then you get really big muscles after a few weeks and look at yourself in the mirror and wonder what happened to your frozen custard belly and why your arms look like muscley twigs and why all of your clothes fit better.
It's amazing.

2. Having A Gardening Crush: I live in suburbia. People in suburbia often have nice gardens. Sometimes, you develop Garden Crushes on the people with nice gardens. Sometimes your Garden Crushes leave free irises and daylilies on the curb for others to take. As you're planting your Garden Crush's cast-offs, fantasize about the note you'll write and leave on their door step, expressing your affection. Get cold and go inside instead. Someday, my love. Someday.

3. Spaghetti Squash: So a lot of people already knew this, but spaghetti squash is the shit. You cut it in half, stick it in the oven on 375 or 350 depending on how you're feeling that day, and 45 minutes later, you have pasta! Pasta that counts as a vegetable and won't make your friends with gluten allergies sick. Think of the potential! Spaghetti squash and spicy peanut sauce. Spaghetti squash and whole, roasted garlic cloves. Spaghetti squash n' cheese.

4. Public libraries: I've always loved libraries. Because of the trajectory of my life, every town I've lived in has had a library that was better than the last.

The Green Bank Public Library was my first love, but once they got the new building that was structurally sound and could hold more books, it lost some of its charm.

Enter the Whitesburg Public Library, with more books on Appalachia than you could shake a stick at and one of the more tasteful Breast Cancer Awareness Month 2010 displays in the town (lest we never forget the church with the sign that said "God wants you to be whole," or "Don't Let Cancer Steal Second Base.").

But Whitesburg was overshadowed by the Oberlin Public Library (OPL) with its hot librarians and the fact that it was opened on Saturdays AND Sundays. Be still my reading heart.

And then came the Boulder Public Library. It's a work of pure beauty. A haven for the homeless and homesick alike. There's a fish tank that shows the flow of Boulder Creek for crying out loud! Free WIFI! A free public notary. And when I got my library card, the man who signed me up told me I could take home 40 books that day. That's 4 - 0. I made a joke about not being too ambitious, but I sure as hell tried. My only complaint about the Boulder Public Library is that it has self-checkout. Self-checkout is fine for grocery stores where you don't want people to judge the fact that your grocery basket contains cheese, spaghetti squash, beer, and peanut butter. Self-checkout has no place in a library, where people come to be entertained and informed, and have a little bit of human interaction in the mostly solitary pursuit that is reading.

But other than that, the Boulder Public Library is sheer bliss.

So grab your library cards, hop on your bike, and head to the gym! On your way back, pick up some spaghetti squash and swing by your Garden Crush's house. Maybe they'll give you some of their special desert ground cover if you impress them with your muscles. It might be snowing in Aspen but in the heart of the reader, it's always summer.
Lockman out.

Hot Toddies: You're Sick So You Might As Well Get Drunk

I am the worst at being sick. Well, actually, I'm pretty good at getting sick. The moment I get the tiniest bit of stress in my life or try and juggle too many things at once, then BAM! the old immune system bites me in the tail. I call it "Stress Yourself Sick with Janney Lockman."

But sitting in bed all day diligently hydrating and taking Dayquil and doing neti pots and not eating dairy and sleeping and whatever else responsible people do when they're sick is a snore. I mean, I didn't WANT to spend all day reading drug-addled XOJane articles and snuggling with my cat. I wanted to be doing work so I could get paid. But alas, it was not to be. Being sick is dull. Fortunately, there are home remedies that make the time go faster. Like my personal favorite: the Hot Toddy.

Any women with vague Southern ties who is worth her weight in salt (mixed metaphors are possibly a result of lower flow of oxygen to my brain) should know, getting sick is just another excuse to drink whiskey. Who knows if it actually has any medicinal value, besides anecdotal evidence of grannies who lived to 100 and drank a shot of moonshine every day? Who cares? When you're sick and aren't supposed to do the things you need to do or the things that make you happy, you might as well knock yourself out with a little whiskey. Here are some of my favorite made up hot toddy recipes.


Lugan Toddy (Usually The Classic Hot Toddy)
For circumstances related to finances and laziness, I don't have any bourbon in my house right now, but I do have some strong Lithuanian liquor called Strumbo Starka that I'm assuming has similar medicinal properties. In honor of my recently-discovered Lithuanian roots, I christened the hot toddy I'm drinking tonight the Lugan Toddy.
1/2 to 2 shots whatever whiskey-like beverage you have in your house (in my house it's Strumbo Starka)
1-2 tablespoons honey (depending on how big of a wuss you are)
2-3 slices lemon squeezed
hot water
tea bag (this is optional but that's called "alcoholism")

While you're waiting for the water to boil, add the booze, honey, lemon juice and tea bag to a mug. Pour boiling water. Sip. Fall asleep

The Big Guns Gross Toddy
This is what you drink when you've been sick for entirely too long and you're fed up. It contains nearly every home remedy thing you're supposed to drink when you're sick. It tastes gross but as Kelly Clarkson said, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger!

1/2 to 2 shots whiskey or whiskey substitute
1-2 tablespoons honey
2-3 slices lemon squeezed
1-2 tablespoons apple cider vinegar
1 pinch cayenne pepper (DO NOT use red pepper flakes. This makes things really gross).
hot water
tea bag

Mix it all up, drink it down, shuddering with every sip.

Sleep Like Baby: Surviving Summer

Few things give people more joy than complaining about things they have little control over. Take the weather for instance. No matter what's happening outside, someone will complain about it. So I'm going to do a little complaining of my own.

I currently live in a room without windows. It's great. The location is perfect, my roommates rule and the price is right. But it's hotter than the hinges of Hades and I haven't slept for more than 6 consecutive hours in about a week as a result. I'm one of those people who requires at least 8 hours a day or their brain shuts down. Here are a few action steps I've outlined for how to avoid dying of heat stroke and/or exhaustion this July.

1. Soak sheets in ice cold water. Put on bed. Sleep like baby.

2. Cut small hole in ceiling. If neighbors on top, new friends. If no neighbors, stick fan in hole. Sleep like baby.

3. Find summer boyfriend. If has windows in room, spend all time there. Sleep like baby. If has A/C and windows in room, marry him. Sleep like baby.

4. Go to homeless shelter. Sleep like baby.

5. Kidding about last one.

6. Hold fan above head while falling asleep. Hand drops fan, fan hits head, fan knocks me out. Sleep like baby.

7. Go to library. It has A/C. Find way to work while asleep. Go to sleep. Get paid to sleep like baby.

Townes-piration

Part of a lifestyle blog involves sharing quotes that inspire us to be our best selves possible! Right? Of course right!

Here at Janney Lockman Living, we don't tend to be satisfied with a Carpe Diem or something about world peace or "the journey" or footprints through the sand.

We need to bring out the big guns when it comes to inspiration. And who is more inspirational than the late, great Townes Van Zandt?
(Some other time I'll write about the game you can play where you drink if one of his lyrics is actually about drugs. You'd better bring your spare liver! But now is the time for positive thoughts and feelings.)

When You're Having Trouble Letting Go of the Past:

"Where you've been is good and gone all you keep is the getting there." - To Live's To Fly

"But it don't pay to think too much on things you leave behind." - To Live's To Fly

When You're Facing Challenges that You Don't Feel Adequately Prepared to Face:

"All I know is this my friends, you've got to swim before you fly." - Two Girls


When You're Freaking Out About Moving Halfway Across the Country/Major Life Transitions:

"It's time to go again but think of all the poetry and pickin' down the line." - To Live's To Fly

"If you go searching for rhyme or for reason,
Then you won't have the time that it takes just for talking
Bout the places you've been babe, and the places you've seen babe,
And how soft the time flies past your window at night." - Don't You Take It Too Bad

When You Want to Pretend Like Townes Van Zandt is Singing To YOU:

"Long and lazy, blonde and free..." - Loretta

"My darlin' she's a red-haired thing, lord she makes my legs to sing, gonna buy her a diamond ring" - Dollar Bill Blues


P.S. I am experimenting with FoRmAtTiNg. Bear with me. I'm also experimenting with free photo editing software. Maybe I'll start a Kickstarter to raise money to take graphic design classes. Just like Zach Braff and Amanda Palmer. LOL

Gazpacho Juice

In honor of my 3 day juice cleanse, I'm sharing my most inspired (to date) juice recipe. Juice on!

Gazpacho Juice
Serves 4 (or 3 people who are on a juice cleanse)
Inspired by the classic Spanish cold tomato soup, this is a delicious savory juice that probably tastes best when you're on a juice cleanse. 

5 small organic tomatoes
2 organic lemons
1 1/2 organic cucumbers
handful parsley (I'm getting tired of typing organic but using organic produce is better for the Earth and you. Obviously, you're gonna do what you want, but if you already have a juicer at your house, then you're probably the type of person who buys organic produce anyways. Moving on...)
1 bunch celery
1 clove garlic
2 green onions

Put in your juicer, strain and enjoy! Don't be put off by the color, it tastes like gazpacho, I promise!

Lockman's List: The Things I'm Digging

Juicing: Ugh I know I can't shut up about it, but purchase a freshly made juice from a juice bar and hopefully you'll have a sophisticated palate enough to understand.

Celebrity Magazines: Purchase one next time you're in an airport. Read it cover to cover. Become educated on this week's sliver of celebrity gossip. Believe the "anonymous sources." Pepper your conversation with bits of celebrity trivia and news for the next few weeks. Then stop, and use the magazine to make inspired collages, because all of this stuff will be old news and obsolete by your next flight.

Homemade Salad Dressings: Always keep a lemon in your refrigerator. It's good for preventing scurvy and creating a delicious, homemade salad dressing. If you're not a big wuss, squeeze a slice over your salads then add salt and pepper. If you prefer your lettuce well-dressed, mix some lemon juice, olive oil, mustard, and balsamic vinegar in a bowl then drizzle away. But the lemon is the secret.

Doing Everything in the Shower: You thought I was going to say sex! Well I just did, but that's not part of the list. You haven't lived until you've brushed your teeth in the shower. I know it's a waste of water, but if you do it while letting conditioner sit in your hair, you're being efficient AND giving yourself a wondrous treat. Ditto using a neti pot. While you're in there, wash your face. Bonus points if you drink a beer while doing any of the above (not recommended for shower toothbrushing!).

Spring Cleaning: Get rid of that shirt that is a pretty color but you always have to pull up or down and is itchy. Collapse the boxes that have been sitting beside the open flame on your gas-powered hot water heater. Wash your butter dish. Sweep your porch. Repot your plants. Despite the chill in the Northeast Ohio air, spring is coming. Get to cleaning.

Keeping My Skillet Good and Greasy: This is the title to an old time tune that I hope is a euphemism for sex, but in this context, take it literally. If you have a cast-iron skillet, moisturize it with oils. It is your cast-iron child and if you take care of it now, it will feed you in your dotage. Then it will grow tired of your increasing senility and send you off to a nursing home.

While you're at it, use some moisturizer on your body. Take some neat's foot oil to your winter boots before you put them away for the summer. And roll your eyes every time someone tells you that the word "moist" makes them uncomfortable. There are much more uncomfortable things in this life, and those feelings should not be used towards a word that describes hydration, a concept that isn't offensive to anything except for deserts.

Loose-y Juice-y

My posts have been sparse as of late, because I got a job! Not my dream job (CEO of Martha Stewart Living), but a way to put food in my belly, gas in the tank, and drinks with good friends.  I'm working at a place called Cafe Sprouts. It's a juice/smoothie/raw food/gluten-free/super healthy place.

As my friends and family may know, butter is my favorite food. Olive and sesame oils have their time and place, but why mess with shortening when you could have that magical spread that comes from cows? At least once a month, I say something like "this butter is delicious."

But woman cannot live on butter alone. For a long time, I thought that juicing was hokey and unhealthy. But then I had some fresh juiced juice. It truly is the nectar of the gods. I'm young and skinny now, but I won't always be this way. I've got to exercise, moisturize and eat well for posterity. After all, isn't the American dream that your kids will age better than you did? (No? Okay, that's fine too.). I don't want skin cancer, diabetes, or heart disease. And as Lena Dunham said "I'm going to live until I'm 104 and I'm going to show my thighs every day of my life!" I probably won't show my thighs every day because I get real cold, but I do want to live a full life.

Unfortunately for my readers, I can't share the secrets of the delicious juice and food I've been making. You'll just have to stop by Cafe Sprouts and see for yourself. I recommend the Blood Cleanse and the cheeze cake. Mmmmm mmmm mmm. Nutritious is truly delicious.

Make Your Own: Loubuttons

There are approximately 8 inches of snow on the ground right now. A good Samaritan used their snow blower on our sidewalk, but our neighbor still hasn't offered to shovel out my car. Chivalry is only partially alive in Northeast Ohio, and totally dead among college students.

On days when the snow is up to your ankles and your kitchen refuses to clean itself, you sometimes need to add a little glamour to your life. I've been watching a lot of Gossip Girl lately, and while I can take a pass on the Chanel No. 5 and the Louis Vitton luggage, I am incredibly envious of the red-soled Christian Louboutin heels. I'm a sucker for nice shoes with unexpected pops of color. While my current financial circumstances prevent me from making my materialistic shoe dreams come true, my imagination is richer than ever. So I decided to paint the soles of a pair of shoes red. I didn't let my house's lack of red paint slow me down either. I simply used red nail polish.

I am thrilled with the potentially copyright infringing results.

It's pretty obvious that these are not designer shoes, but I'm pretty satisfied with the results. If one wanted to spend some money on this endeavor, one could purchase Louboutin sole paint. A quick Google search reveals that Martha Stewart paints the bottoms of her Louboutins black. This is possibly the first thing Martha has done that I have ever disagreed with (Martha wouldn't have been accused of "Insider trading" had she been a man, but that's a story for a different blog post). The Google search also revealed that I'm not the first person to paint the soles of their shoes red in an attempt to add some glamour in their lives. But they buy paint specifically for that purpose. Even Christian Louboutin painted his first pair of famous heels using nail polish.

So happy shoe polishing. These boots were made for walking and as soon as this snow melts, I'm going to put these puppies on and walk all over the patriarchy.

Why Am I Doing This Again?: Knitting

I've been knitting since I was 10 or 11. My mother, who somehow trusted a 4 or 5 year old me with needles and pins enough to teach me how to sew at such a tender age, taught me the most thankless of the fiber arts (in my humble opinion). Her own grandmother taught her how to knit and sew so she wouldn't be bored. In my family, only boring people are bored. I only get bored once or twice every 5 years. The last time I was bored, I had been on an airplane for 12 hours. If only I'd had my knitting.

But I digress. Whether you are bored (or simply boring), knitting is an excellent way of spending a lot of time only to discover that you dropped a stitch at a crucial part of the project and your sweater looks like a misshapen elephant. Right now your beloved author is feeling a little down on knitting. This is possibly residual from that one time in high school when I made every single one of the girls in my friend group a scarf for Christmas. I knitted around 15 scarfs from Thanksgiving to New Year's, not because I was super popular, but because I hadn't yet figured out how to not be friends with people that didn't actually like me (perhaps I am being a bit harsh on my 16 year old self and my 16 year old friends). But I'm pretty sure the main reason I feel so much resent towards knitting right now is that I've been working on and off on the aforementioned misshapen sweater for the past 3 years. I'm at a point where I think it might actually amount to something and I won't have to rip it all out and start all over again.

Starting this infernal sweater project was one of those times when I should have listened to my mother, but didn't. She warned me that it would be difficult to use thin yarn on skinny needles. Did I listen? Of course not. I was 20 and knew everything. I spent an embarrassing amount of money on this lovely copper-colored incredibly skinny yarn and entirely too much time knitting the sweater the wrong way. The folly of youth.  At 23, I am older, wiser, and no longer a student. It was time to get back on the metaphorical horse and finish this sweater.

This thing that looks like a brown wool bladder is the neck and shoulders of this sweater.

It's hiding the tears of frustration that are currently pouring down my face.  Just kidding.

"Blah blah blah," you're probably thinking. "Cry me a river. Why are you knitting if you're just going to complain about it on your lifestyle blog? Does Martha Stewart whine when her crafts are difficult?"

While I have no answer to the 2nd question (yet), there are several answers to the first question.  Knitting is incredibly soothing, and puts me in a trance-like state that is probably the closest I will ever chose to come to meditation. In addition, knitting keeps me from doing things like biting my fingernails. But the biggest reason that I'm currently so busy knitting, is that it justifies my crippling TV habit. If I'm knitting while watching 5 episodes of Gossip Girl in a row, it's only like I watched 2 or 3 episodes. One should always take potentially pathetic behavior and turn it into productive behavior. And knitting allows me to do exactly that. 

So happy fiber arting or TV watching. Only the boring are bored, so get out there and pick up a hobby that frustrates you to no end. I can't wait to see the results.

And Happy Valentine's Day!

Hello You Lovely Creatures

Hello loyal followers (if you still exist after a 2 year hiatus),

 Welcome back to Janney Lockman Living. Janney is currently working as a freelance writer/web designer/homemaker extraordinaire, and has much more time to update the world on how to be an amazing, empowered, hipsterbilly homemaker. (She is also busy referring to herself in third person).

In the next few weeks, you can look forward to recipes for soup beans and biscuits complete with a list of tips to help you figure out if your potential partner is "biscuit worthy,", a restaurant review of West Virginia's finest dining establishment, a treatise on knitting, the Half-Asser's guide to quilting, and advice on crafting with glitter nail polish.

Being back is a beautiful thing.