Loose-y Juice-y

My posts have been sparse as of late, because I got a job! Not my dream job (CEO of Martha Stewart Living), but a way to put food in my belly, gas in the tank, and drinks with good friends.  I'm working at a place called Cafe Sprouts. It's a juice/smoothie/raw food/gluten-free/super healthy place.

As my friends and family may know, butter is my favorite food. Olive and sesame oils have their time and place, but why mess with shortening when you could have that magical spread that comes from cows? At least once a month, I say something like "this butter is delicious."

But woman cannot live on butter alone. For a long time, I thought that juicing was hokey and unhealthy. But then I had some fresh juiced juice. It truly is the nectar of the gods. I'm young and skinny now, but I won't always be this way. I've got to exercise, moisturize and eat well for posterity. After all, isn't the American dream that your kids will age better than you did? (No? Okay, that's fine too.). I don't want skin cancer, diabetes, or heart disease. And as Lena Dunham said "I'm going to live until I'm 104 and I'm going to show my thighs every day of my life!" I probably won't show my thighs every day because I get real cold, but I do want to live a full life.

Unfortunately for my readers, I can't share the secrets of the delicious juice and food I've been making. You'll just have to stop by Cafe Sprouts and see for yourself. I recommend the Blood Cleanse and the cheeze cake. Mmmmm mmmm mmm. Nutritious is truly delicious.

Make Your Own: Loubuttons

There are approximately 8 inches of snow on the ground right now. A good Samaritan used their snow blower on our sidewalk, but our neighbor still hasn't offered to shovel out my car. Chivalry is only partially alive in Northeast Ohio, and totally dead among college students.

On days when the snow is up to your ankles and your kitchen refuses to clean itself, you sometimes need to add a little glamour to your life. I've been watching a lot of Gossip Girl lately, and while I can take a pass on the Chanel No. 5 and the Louis Vitton luggage, I am incredibly envious of the red-soled Christian Louboutin heels. I'm a sucker for nice shoes with unexpected pops of color. While my current financial circumstances prevent me from making my materialistic shoe dreams come true, my imagination is richer than ever. So I decided to paint the soles of a pair of shoes red. I didn't let my house's lack of red paint slow me down either. I simply used red nail polish.

I am thrilled with the potentially copyright infringing results.

It's pretty obvious that these are not designer shoes, but I'm pretty satisfied with the results. If one wanted to spend some money on this endeavor, one could purchase Louboutin sole paint. A quick Google search reveals that Martha Stewart paints the bottoms of her Louboutins black. This is possibly the first thing Martha has done that I have ever disagreed with (Martha wouldn't have been accused of "Insider trading" had she been a man, but that's a story for a different blog post). The Google search also revealed that I'm not the first person to paint the soles of their shoes red in an attempt to add some glamour in their lives. But they buy paint specifically for that purpose. Even Christian Louboutin painted his first pair of famous heels using nail polish.

So happy shoe polishing. These boots were made for walking and as soon as this snow melts, I'm going to put these puppies on and walk all over the patriarchy.

Why Am I Doing This Again?: Knitting

I've been knitting since I was 10 or 11. My mother, who somehow trusted a 4 or 5 year old me with needles and pins enough to teach me how to sew at such a tender age, taught me the most thankless of the fiber arts (in my humble opinion). Her own grandmother taught her how to knit and sew so she wouldn't be bored. In my family, only boring people are bored. I only get bored once or twice every 5 years. The last time I was bored, I had been on an airplane for 12 hours. If only I'd had my knitting.

But I digress. Whether you are bored (or simply boring), knitting is an excellent way of spending a lot of time only to discover that you dropped a stitch at a crucial part of the project and your sweater looks like a misshapen elephant. Right now your beloved author is feeling a little down on knitting. This is possibly residual from that one time in high school when I made every single one of the girls in my friend group a scarf for Christmas. I knitted around 15 scarfs from Thanksgiving to New Year's, not because I was super popular, but because I hadn't yet figured out how to not be friends with people that didn't actually like me (perhaps I am being a bit harsh on my 16 year old self and my 16 year old friends). But I'm pretty sure the main reason I feel so much resent towards knitting right now is that I've been working on and off on the aforementioned misshapen sweater for the past 3 years. I'm at a point where I think it might actually amount to something and I won't have to rip it all out and start all over again.

Starting this infernal sweater project was one of those times when I should have listened to my mother, but didn't. She warned me that it would be difficult to use thin yarn on skinny needles. Did I listen? Of course not. I was 20 and knew everything. I spent an embarrassing amount of money on this lovely copper-colored incredibly skinny yarn and entirely too much time knitting the sweater the wrong way. The folly of youth.  At 23, I am older, wiser, and no longer a student. It was time to get back on the metaphorical horse and finish this sweater.

This thing that looks like a brown wool bladder is the neck and shoulders of this sweater.

It's hiding the tears of frustration that are currently pouring down my face.  Just kidding.

"Blah blah blah," you're probably thinking. "Cry me a river. Why are you knitting if you're just going to complain about it on your lifestyle blog? Does Martha Stewart whine when her crafts are difficult?"

While I have no answer to the 2nd question (yet), there are several answers to the first question.  Knitting is incredibly soothing, and puts me in a trance-like state that is probably the closest I will ever chose to come to meditation. In addition, knitting keeps me from doing things like biting my fingernails. But the biggest reason that I'm currently so busy knitting, is that it justifies my crippling TV habit. If I'm knitting while watching 5 episodes of Gossip Girl in a row, it's only like I watched 2 or 3 episodes. One should always take potentially pathetic behavior and turn it into productive behavior. And knitting allows me to do exactly that. 

So happy fiber arting or TV watching. Only the boring are bored, so get out there and pick up a hobby that frustrates you to no end. I can't wait to see the results.

And Happy Valentine's Day!

Hello You Lovely Creatures

Hello loyal followers (if you still exist after a 2 year hiatus),

 Welcome back to Janney Lockman Living. Janney is currently working as a freelance writer/web designer/homemaker extraordinaire, and has much more time to update the world on how to be an amazing, empowered, hipsterbilly homemaker. (She is also busy referring to herself in third person).

In the next few weeks, you can look forward to recipes for soup beans and biscuits complete with a list of tips to help you figure out if your potential partner is "biscuit worthy,", a restaurant review of West Virginia's finest dining establishment, a treatise on knitting, the Half-Asser's guide to quilting, and advice on crafting with glitter nail polish.

Being back is a beautiful thing.

BAMFnana Bread

Anyone can cook. All you need is some kind of heating implement and creativity. Oh, and the Joy of Cooking. The Joy of Cooking is my all-time favorite cook book. Whether you own the most recent edition, in all of its modern glory, or the edition that tells you how to skin a squirrel, this cookbook is great. My edition tells me how to cook an octopus ("make sure first that your victim is dead -- by striking it a conclusive blow on the head."), and make a Birthday Bread Horse. Really, how can you go wrong?

Which brings me to banana bread. I felt a burning desire last Friday to bake banana bread. So I did. I used the Joy of Cooking 1975 edition recipe, which can be found on page 624 for "Quick Banana Bread," then used the ingredients I had on hand. This recipe calls for shortening, which I rarely cook with, so I used butter instead. This, along with using 2 eggs made for a delicious, cake-like banana bread. In a failed attempt to keep myself from eating all of the banana bread over the weekend, I put it in a ziploc bag and froze it. This just made the banana bread even more delicious and tempting. It lasted until Monday night.

BAMFnana Bread - Joy of Cooking 1975 edition and Janney

Preheat oven to 350

Mix (it said sift, but I couldn't find the sieve in my house. Nothing bad happened.)

1 3/4 cups all-purpose flour

2 1/4 teaspoons baking powder

1/2 teaspoon salt

Blend until creamy:

1/3 cup butter

2/3 cup sugar

Beat in:

2 eggs

1 1/4 cups ripe banana pulp

Add dry ingredients in about 3 parts to the sugar mixture. Beat the batter after each addition until smooth.

Mix in: 1/2 cup chopped walnuts

Place batter in a greased bread pan. Bake the bread for about 1 hour (I actually baked it for more like 1 hour and 15 minutes because I forgot about it, but it was still good, just slightly blackened on the sides). Cool before devouring (or for bonus points freeze it and eat it frozen).

I'm sure there are ways you could make it healthier. I want to experiment using olive oil instead of butter, applesauce instead of butter, egg whites, whole wheat flour, etc. But sometimes a girl's just got to have butter, white flour, cane sugar, and egg yolks.

From Cleaning to Cocktail Party:

Let's be honest, before you can get around to cooking, cleaning, gardening, building things, doing heavy lifting, and all of the other wonderful things that a modern woman with an inner 1950's housewife may find herself doing, you need the proper uniform.

Well you don't need it... Holey jeans with a t-shirt, or a white tank top and running shorts are fine for doing homemaker-y things.

But having a fun uniform sure makes things more fun. Here are some suggestions for articles of clothing that are great for a day of laundry, working in the garden, cooking some excellent food, or even just kicking butt and taking names.

Item #1: The American Shirtdress

My raspberry American Shirtdress was the best 50 cents I ever spent. I got it for 50 cents at a yard sale. It's great for a morning in the garden, or cooking and cleaning. Add sneakers, and you can go power-walking. Add heels and pearls, and you feel like Betty Draper.

Item #2: Overalls

My overalls were free. Some foolish person was giving them away. They have been faithful companions as I do battle with thistles and poison ivy in the garden, built a stage for a music festival, baked pies, done things with my horses, and taken finals. Don't spend much money on a pair of overalls. I found the perfect pair of overalls when I wasn't even looking. It may take months and months, but if you build it, they will come.

Item #3: A Blue Jean Skirt

This is the least obscure item on the list. I slip on my blue jean skirt with a t-shirt because sometimes I have things to get done, but I just don't want to wear pants. This is also good if you don't like the American Shirtdress, or haven't found the perfect one for you yet. A blue jean skirt is casual yet classy if the right length. It can take you from cleaning to clubbing with a change of shoes, shirt and jewelry. Plus, if you can't find one that is the length you want, you can make one yourself. But that's for another blogpost.

Extra Credit: A Bandana

Whether you wear it like a peasant, a pirate, or Rosie the Riveteer, bandanas are great for days when there's no point in washing your hair because you're just going to get it dirtier anyway.

Happy housewife-ing!

Make a Recycled No More Hormonal Birth Control Card

One of my good friends switched from hormonal birth control to an IUD this year. In a fit of creativity, I made a congratulations/good luck on getting an IUD card for her. Unfortunately, I threw it away before I could give it to her. Here's how you can make one. This is the perfect card for someone who has recently gotten an IUD, a Nuva Ring, or a hysterectomy.

1. You know how every time you refill your birth control prescription, instead of just giving you another pack of pills to put in those plastic holders, they give you pills and another plastic holder? Well this is a good way to reuse those.

Take a pill holder.

2. Cut a notecard so it slides into the pill holder. If you want to get really creative, you can take an empty pill packet and write the letters of the card recipient's name where the pills would be.

3. Write some message congratulating them for not being on hormonal birth control (or whatever the situation may be).

4. Ta da!!!