Hot Toddies: You're Sick So You Might As Well Get Drunk

I am the worst at being sick. Well, actually, I'm pretty good at getting sick. The moment I get the tiniest bit of stress in my life or try and juggle too many things at once, then BAM! the old immune system bites me in the tail. I call it "Stress Yourself Sick with Janney Lockman."

But sitting in bed all day diligently hydrating and taking Dayquil and doing neti pots and not eating dairy and sleeping and whatever else responsible people do when they're sick is a snore. I mean, I didn't WANT to spend all day reading drug-addled XOJane articles and snuggling with my cat. I wanted to be doing work so I could get paid. But alas, it was not to be. Being sick is dull. Fortunately, there are home remedies that make the time go faster. Like my personal favorite: the Hot Toddy.

Any women with vague Southern ties who is worth her weight in salt (mixed metaphors are possibly a result of lower flow of oxygen to my brain) should know, getting sick is just another excuse to drink whiskey. Who knows if it actually has any medicinal value, besides anecdotal evidence of grannies who lived to 100 and drank a shot of moonshine every day? Who cares? When you're sick and aren't supposed to do the things you need to do or the things that make you happy, you might as well knock yourself out with a little whiskey. Here are some of my favorite made up hot toddy recipes.


Lugan Toddy (Usually The Classic Hot Toddy)
For circumstances related to finances and laziness, I don't have any bourbon in my house right now, but I do have some strong Lithuanian liquor called Strumbo Starka that I'm assuming has similar medicinal properties. In honor of my recently-discovered Lithuanian roots, I christened the hot toddy I'm drinking tonight the Lugan Toddy.
1/2 to 2 shots whatever whiskey-like beverage you have in your house (in my house it's Strumbo Starka)
1-2 tablespoons honey (depending on how big of a wuss you are)
2-3 slices lemon squeezed
hot water
tea bag (this is optional but that's called "alcoholism")

While you're waiting for the water to boil, add the booze, honey, lemon juice and tea bag to a mug. Pour boiling water. Sip. Fall asleep

The Big Guns Gross Toddy
This is what you drink when you've been sick for entirely too long and you're fed up. It contains nearly every home remedy thing you're supposed to drink when you're sick. It tastes gross but as Kelly Clarkson said, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger!

1/2 to 2 shots whiskey or whiskey substitute
1-2 tablespoons honey
2-3 slices lemon squeezed
1-2 tablespoons apple cider vinegar
1 pinch cayenne pepper (DO NOT use red pepper flakes. This makes things really gross).
hot water
tea bag

Mix it all up, drink it down, shuddering with every sip.